Hold On Tightly, Let Go Lightly
by CinderellaxVan
Summary: (I never loved you) Words of business man Van Fanel that crushed her. But the saddest thing is that she can't see past the defense he built so carefully, and the fact that he's really good at lying no matter how much it breaks his heart inside.
1. I Default Chapter

Hold On Tightly, Let Go Lightly ( Chapter I )

Staring up at the smooth white ceiling, Hitomi could feel her chest rise and fall as she took quiet breaths. The walls of the flat were tall with crisp lines, the windows allowing white moonlight to pour through the sheer curtains. Mahogany furniture complimented the black and white photography framed artfully along the walls, the floors a darker wood. Gray shadows played on the walls as the sound of traffic was quiet, calming. 

_Your body's warm,  
But you are not..._

Van had left that morning, and it was the same manner he had left in all week. Distant, cold, avoiding her. He had ignored all her small talk, only occasionally grunting or giving her a bored, fleeting stare. Normally, Hitomi would have left his place by now. But all day, she had just stayed in the same spot, staring at the ceiling. 

The quiet creak, then the thud of the door shutting alerted her, and she propped herself onto her elbows. The jingle of his keys falling onto the plate in the hallway was exactly how it sounded every time she heard it, and she sat up completely before drawing her knees into her torso. There was a click, the sound of the coffee maker being turned on. Footsteps, and then...

"I didn't know you were still here," came that deadpan drawl, and Hitomi looked down into her lap. "I'll leave." 

_You give a little,  
Not a lot._

"Don't go," Hitomi spoke up, and Van turned around to leave. His hand paused against the door frame, and he turned around, a smirk playing on his features. 

"Why not?" he questioned, a taunting look in his maroon eyes. Hitomi averted her eyes again. 

"We... We need to talk," she stuttered, balling up the sheets in her hands as her hair fell in her eyes. 

"Well, talk then," Van sighed, "What is it this time?" The flat tone surprised Hitomi, and she shook her head disbelievingly, speechless. "I thought you had something to say," pressed Van, and Hitomi nodded silently.

"Yes, sorry. Uh, I was just wondering," she began unsurely, before looking up more resolutely, "What's wrong? You leave so quickly in the morning, and you seem so distant." 

"It's not--" Van began dryly, and Hitomi smiled back grimly.

"You it's me?" she finished, and Van cracked another smirk.

"Touché. Don't get your panties into a bunch," he assured noncommittally, "I just realized that we have no future together that's worth pursuing. So I don't want to waste your time anymore." 

_I cannot tell if you mean what you say  
You say it so loud, but you sound far away_

"I thought you loved me?" Hitomi questioned, her eyes hard. She kept her posture with grace, but the corners of her eyes twitched slightly as unshed tears stung at them. 

"I would have said anything during sex. You shouldn't take everything literally." 

"Literally?" Hitomi echoed, and she squinted her jade eyes. "Then I want you to literally tell me you don't love me."

"Are you a masochist?" Van snorted, "Do you honestly want to hear what I have to say?"

"Yes."

_It's only your shadow  
Never yourself_

"I was just using you to make me look better then my brother. We're both business men, you know that," Van said casually, as if speaking to a secretary about his lunch, "But if I showed that I had a relationship, that would give me the higher edge." 

"You're not that mean," Hitomi breathed, "You're not that cruel."

"I'm just a really good actor." 

Hitomi suddenly wished she wasn't in Van's bed, wearing the clothes Van gave her. He continued venomously. 

"You're the daughter of a man who works in my mail room," Van drawled relentlessly, "So pure, good. I had to show you some sort of affection or you would never associate yourself with me." There was a long silence, only Hitomi gripping the sheets tighter, her knuckles white. Her eyes were glued on his, their gazes both frighteningly intense.

"Stop it."

"I never loved you," Van said plainly, but the edge was gone in his voice. It was like he was trying to explain to a child that the tooth fairy didn't exist. 

"You're a bloody bastard," Hitomi seethed after a moment, and Van chuckled lightly.

"You wanted to hear what I had to say," Van shrugged, "You got it," he added with a customary smirk. 

"Get out," Hitomi spat, and Van crossed his arms.

"I believe this is my flat. I was willing to leave before but I think I'm going to stay here." 

"I hope you die," Hitomi glowered as she threw the sheets off herself and stormed past Van. 

"I will eventually," he replied cockily, "So will you." 

_I'm watching you disappear  
But you, you were never here_

----------------------------------------------------- 

"Are you sure you don't need me to come?" came the voice of Yukari, and Hitomi smiled weakly. 

"I'll be fine, really," she assured, and Yukari shuffled a few papers on her desk, the phone resting in the crook of her neck. The redhead was genuinely concerned about her friend. A few painful days ago, the cruel jerk Van Fanel had dropped Hitomi like a hot potato and ever since then Hitomi had been eerily calm. Today was the day Hitomi claimed to cut everything off finally. 

"If anything happens, call okay?" 

"Don't you have a meeting soon?" Hitomi said in a bemused tone, and Yukari snorted. 

"I don't care, this is more important. If you need me, you know my number okay?" 

"Alright." 

Clicking off her cell, Hitomi tightened the sash of her coat, her sunglasses perched elegantly on her nose as the reflections of outside skated along the taxi windows. Her skin prickled slightly, and she clenched her jaw. Fanning herself uselessly with her hand, she tilted her head to get a free breath of air from the open taxi window. It had been done out of habit, to put on the scent Van had bought her. She hadn't realized her mistake until she was already scented with sugared almond, lime, pear and mahogany. Why wouldn't the scent go away? 

Hardening her eyes, Hitomi crossed her arms and mentally briefed her plan. Get in, get out. If he was there, she'd state her genuine reason and leave in a civilized manner. 

Sighing, Hitomi removed her sunglasses. Like they'd actually part on decent terms. 

----------------------------------------------------- 

As the taxi pulled to a stop in front of the lobby of Van's building, Hitomi placed some creased bills into the hand of the driver and stepped out of the car. Part of her was praying desperately that he wouldn't be there. Opening the glass doors smoothly after entering the access code, her heels clicked across the marble floor articulately. The crystal chandeliers above softened the modern details of the atmosphere. Chrome and mahogany was given an exotic flare by the white potted orchids, as fashionable dark leather chairs were occupied by groomed looking professionals. Stepping into an open elevator, Hitomi pressed Van's floor and folded her hands nervously, the only visible sign of her anxiety. Five floors, left. Four. Three. Two. One. 

She gulped. 

Moving silently down the quiet hallways, Hitomi slid the cold key out of her pocket and slid it into the slot. Shutting her eyes briefly, she then turned it and stepped inside. Relief brushed by her as the apartment lights were all off, the place still. So he wasn't home. Shutting the door behind her, Hitomi set her copy of his key on the kitchen counter. She thought of jotting a note along with it, but decided otherwise. Padding into his bedroom, she got on her knees and looked under the bed. Spotless, and bare. Frowning, she got up and panned her gaze around the room. What if he had found it? A threatening anger edged at her as she checked the wire garbage basket, then ebbed away as only crumpled balls of paper lay within. Absentmindedly touching her tongue to her top lip, she scolded herself to think. 

Then there it was. The familiar pink pendant was laid horizontally on his nightstand, the chain pulled into a neat line. Walking across the low carpet she picked up the cool stone and held it in her fingertips. 

Coral highlights were brought out in the blush colored tear drop, the chain slithery silver. And suddenly, the apprehension was gone. Just sadness. At one crucial moment or another, Hitomi had fully believed in the love she had for Van, and the love he had supposedly felt for her. It seemed so unfinished, their relationship so brutally severed. But it was finished, Hitomi knew too well. Curling her fingers around the pendant into a solid fist, Hitomi took a deep breath before nimbly fastening the necklace around her neck. She noted the framed picture of her sleeping in his bed, the sunlight playing on her shut eyelids, was now replaced by a photo of the beach. How flattering. 

"Take your last look," she thought to herself, taking in the large windows and calm atmosphere. About to turn around, the sound of the door opening froze her blood. Shit. Fumbling with the wild idea of hiding, Hitomi darted her eyes around when the bedroom door flung open. 

"What the hell are you doing here?!" 

----------------------------------------------------- 

Rolling his neck as he strolled down the hallway, Van couldn't wait to work out his stress at the gym. First, a quick shower, and then he could grab his bag and go. Opening the door to his apartment, he dropped his keys onto the plate in the entrance hallway when he heard yelling. Shutting the door behind him he walked out into the living room to find Hitomi and his latest girl, Sasha, in a hostile situation. Both girls turned their heads sharply at the sound of his entrance, and both noted the disdain in his eyes. 

"Do I even want to bloody know what you two idiots are doing?" 

Sasha abruptly dropped her bruising grip on Hitomi's arm and turned to face Van. 

"I called your office because I wanted to see you, and they informed me you were heading home. I come here, and find _her _in your bedroom!" 

"Was she naked, with candles and champagne while musing about how she couldn't wait for another shag with me?" his voice flat and irritated. 

"No," Sasha murmured, her tough as nails attitude fading rapidly. Hitomi noticed this with wry amusement. 

"You can't understand, you have no god damned idea how busy I've been, when I'm free I said I'd call you," Van scolded, his eyes cold and unfeeling. 

"I know, and I'm sorry, but... But who the hell is she?" Sasha couldn't help but protest, "Why was she in your bedroom?" 

"Is she suddenly mute, Sasha?" Van replied with a sarcastic expression, "Why don't you ask her yourself, how the hell should I know." Sasha opened her mouth to do so, when Van cut in. "Considering the situation, it'd be tactful of you to regard this as something that's no concern to you." The long legged female nodded, subdued, and a smirk played at Van's lips. "But I guess it would be rude not to introduce you to each other. This is Hitomi Kanzaki, she's the daughter of one of the most helpful and loyal employees in my mail room. Hitomi, this is Sasha de Cloet." Hitomi narrowed her eyes at the rudely unnecessary description following her name. Sasha's expression however, was not haughty, or even smug. Something was dawning on her. 

"Hitomi..." she said slowly, and she looked up at Van as is she recognized the name. Her gray eyes widened suddenly. "That's the name you called out the first time you were about to--" 

"That's enough, Sasha," Van warned threateningly, and Sasha clamped her lips. 

"Sorry," she blurted out daringly, "I don't know how I could ever think someone so easy looking was capable of attracting you. She looks like a desperate low class witch." 

"Are you finished?" Van drawled lazily, and Hitomi understood his tactic of making no defense for her. Anger taunted for her to lose it, but the lingering thought of parting civilly clung to her heels. "If so, could you leave so I can have a few words with Ms. Kanzaki?" Van said, tactfully not using Hitomi's first name. 

"Gladly!" Sasha said primly, and tucking a strand of blow dried hair behind her ear she left elegantly. The door clicked shut, and Hitomi stared a hole into the ground as Van sat casually on the arm of his couch. He looked into his lap, then glanced up at Hitomi. 

"I take it you picked up your pendant?" 

_Now even you can't undo this damage  
The last vein of hope's been broken from the core_

Hitomi refused to meet his gaze and tensed. 

_Don't join me in this dance of misery  
Be alone or be prey, you can't lead_

"Yes," she replied after a pause. The quiet sound of his clock ticking weaved through the even fainter sounds of the outside city as the tension, at least on Hitomi's part, skyrocketed. 

"You should keep your hair like that," Van said suddenly, his eyes serious yet playful, "It looks good." Hitomi said nothing, she was only irritated by his change in subject. Especially in such a situation. A new girl already? 

_You cannot follow, just drift  
And step by step your fatigue grows_

"If you knew why I was here, why didn't you just ask me to leave and keep Sasha with you?" 

"Not in the mood," Van replied easily. Hitomi swallowed and physically moved away. She practically hated him, and no love remained in her heart for the raven haired man. But the thought of him sharing his bed with someone else, especially someone with a much higher class and someone so classy yet beautiful was a stab in the chest. 

"Can I leave now?" Hitomi whispered, "I really despise this place." 

"And here I remember you saying you loved my flat," Van drawled amusedly, "Besides, didn't think you ever needed permission for things, Hitomi," Van added, "You didn't before, at least." 

_The more you impress the more you lose  
Tonight the stars are gone_

"Can't you just drop it?" Hitomi spat, her temper breaking for a second, "Stop digging up all this crap, and stop bringing up the past!" Van raised a humored eyebrow at her sudden outburst, and Hitomi narrowed her eyes. 

"Dramatic," Van smirked, "Oh shocking, says the Fanelian Times. Moving, says the Asturia Herald!" he mocked. 

"I hate you so much," she said lowly, and Van was aware of the sincerity in her voice. 

"You can leave now," he replied, his expression unreadable, his voice cool and indifferent. 

"Goodbye." 

----------------------------------------------------- 

**Author's Note:   
S O U N D T R A CK  
1. Shadow by ** Britney Spears**  
2. Untitled by** Myself 

**Yes, I know, new story, please don't yell at me. Inspiration should never be scolded... Anyways, this IS a V/H despite this rocky start. As I've started to like doing, more will be explained as the story unfolds. Instead of explaining each thing as it happens, some things will be explained in the future. Be patient, or analyze. Thanks to those who amused me on AIM or MSN while I wrote this, thanks, it kept me writing ^_^ As for all you writers out there, keep writing! *grins like mad***

**-CxV**

  
  



	2. II Tell Me That it's Over

_Because she made me uu;;... I luff Shana!_

* * *

Hold On Tightly, Let Go Lightly ( Chapter II )

If you stood close enough to her as she waited for a cab to stop for her, you could smell a faint hint of jasmine. It was fresh on her, delightfully so, but could never replace the effect created by her previous scent of sugared almond, lime, pear and mahogany.

It had been a month since she and Van had parted ways, and after a few days of trashing her apartment followed by several apple martinis, she didn't hate him anymore. She was mad at him still, but no, she didn't hate him. There was still a tiny part of her living out their fantasy in her heart, but realistically, she would probably never take him back.

She pulled on a pair of white leather gloves, her sunglasses reflecting the sun as it beamed down from the blue grey sky onto the white crisp snow. The holidays were coming soon, another reason to emphasize the fact that she was alone. When those bells started to jingle and the apple cider used to waft in clouds of cinnamon, the only other thing to really do was to cuddle with somebody. Her throat was dry and strained, as if she had just smoked too many cigarettes, but that was weird. She hadn't had one in about a month now.

It wasn't as if she had had no opportunities to go out with anyone. On the contrary, several prospects had arisen. But despite Van's overflowing arrogance at the end of their relationship, he had been wonderful during the time they spent together. The men interested in her were not articulately handsome, intoxicatingly charming, or…

Van. They weren't Van.

Hitomi swallowed a lump in her throat and shakily pulled out a foil tab of gum from her purse. Pushing it out and cracking the white sweet piece between her teeth, she allowed the mint to rush over her tongue as she stared at the sky, stressed.

"I don't think I'm capable of selling a ketchup popsicle to a lady in white gloves," a male voice came up beside her, "But I do believe I could make her smile." Looking over, dark blues eyes glanced back at her, shaded only by a few blades of blonde hair.

She smiled despite herself, though the expression changed into a slightly wary one after a few seconds.

"I've seen you around the Fanel building, do you work there?" he added casually, putting his hands in his pockets. "I work on the 34th floor but I don't believe I've ever seen you around."

The words crazy stalking liar chimed cautiously in Hitomi's head.

"My dad works there," Hitomi offered hesitantly, flicking her eyes up and down his form. They were an odd pair, her in her heels, oversized sunglasses and trench coat, him in his beaten up slacks and vintage bomber jacket.

"That would explain it," he smiled, swaying his head to the side suddenly to get the hair out of his eyes. She was temped to say 'you're in need of a shave', but decided against it and kept her eyes on the street. "So," he said after a few moments of awkward silence, attempting a laugh. "Do you have time for a coffee or anything?"

She shot him a look. Then smiled politely, out of guilt.

"I know it sounds really sketchy," he laughed awkwardly again, "But that's not what I mean. You just seem like a cool person."

"A cool person?" she echoed faintly, the polite smile frozen on her lips. What was he, sixteen? Who used that kind of line anymore?

"Uh, never mind," he finally said, his face flushing a faint pink as he rubbed the back of his neck and began to turn away. Snapping the gum with her tongue she sighed a little and spoke before she could convince herself otherwise.

"Well, I _have _been craving a latte." He turned around and she took her sunglasses off. "I've been quitting cigarettes, so it's my anti-drug so to speak."

"That's good that you're quitting," the man nodded approvingly, "Cigarettes are disgusting." Hitomi's expression didn't change. Frankly, she didn't care what he thought about cigarettes. Even if he thought cigarettes were more repulsive then a Chihuahua dressed head to toe in neon orange vinyl, she would still want one. She had been wanting one all month.

"What's your name, by the way?" she asked with as much decorum she could muster. For some strange reason, he had so much potential in her mind, yet his comments were a bit… irritating. His flat shoes were silent against the grey cement, her heels clicking sharply as they began to walk south.

"Oh, my bad," he laughed, swishing his hair out of his face again. "Allen. You?"

"Hitomi," she replied, removing her gloves idly and popping out another piece of gum.

* * *

_A month later, during the holiday season._

"You bitch," Hitomi whined, nursing a large vanilla soy latte as she curled up into a velvet armchair. She ran her long nails over the inky purple color, wafts of steam from the coffee kissing her jaw line. The smell of fresh brewed coffee weaved through the air as powdery snow shook down from the sky, the cold misting the shop windows.

"I'm sorry if I'm unnaturally pasty and want to get a tan," Yukari replied, taking a brisk gulp of her macchiato. The redhead sighed sympathetically after the brunette drifted off into space and set her cup down with a quiet thud.

"Everyone's leaving for the holidays," Hitomi murmured. "Except for Allen, Van, and Eries."

"And Eries is always busy," Yukari added in, completely Hitomi's thoughts. "Look, I'm sorry honey but Amano really wanted to go… You can come if you like?"

"Hitomi Kanzaki, starring in the latest motion feature as… The third wheel! Give a round of applause."

A sugar packet was thrown at Hitomi's head.

"You can have some quality Allen time?" Yukari teased, however Hitomi didn't blink. For a moment, the clouds covered the yellow sunshine pouring through the window, and her aristocratic profile was shaded an ashen grey. Long black lashes hooded the verdant eyes and as the depths of her latte swam beneath her lips, she painted the picture of a very lonely girl.

"Ughhhhhh…" Hitomi groaned, breaking out of her reverie and take a long sip of her drink. "I think I'm going to need something stronger then this," she flicked the rim of her mug.

"Alcoholic," Yukari teased, at which Hitomi smiled winningly.

"Admit it, you'd give anything right now to go to that cute new bar downtown and to have a cosmopolitan."

"And you an apple martini," Yukari sighed, inspecting her manicured nails.

"Don't leave me," Hitomi whined, fiddling with a lump in her mascara and wiping it onto her napkin. "Stay here where it's nice and cold, who needs a tan anyways? And don't you remember all those commercials, about how those drinks served in the tropics usually had like, disease in them or something?"

"I promised Amano honey, I'm sorry."

Hitomi rolled her eyes articulately and took a last sip of her drink.

"Whatever, just buy me a good present," she accepted defeat, tugging on the strand of beads around her neck. Looking over at her friend sitting across from her, she saw the unease in the redhead's eyes. Suddenly, she felt childish. She should be happy for her friend, though it wasn't like her friend would feel guilty while she was off basking in the sand. But for the moment, Hitomi wasn't helping anything, and letting go of the necklace clenched between her fingers she smiled gracefully. "Have fun okay, honey?"

"I will," Yukari laughed, relaxing and leaning back into her seat.

* * *

'Jingle Bell Rock' played softly in the background of her humble flat, the walls modestly brick, the cushions colorful silk, the lamps white rice paper. Ivory wax candles that were wide in breadth planted themselves on small glass plates as artistic photography hung in mahogany frames. A small, almost pathetic tree slumped in the corner, weighed down by tinsel and small gold stars. 

She had just finished a bath, and was now radiating in a cloud of Hawaiian ginger flowers. Soft, white terry wrapped itself around her body, and lounging across a deep turquoise pillow she grabbed a cigarette and her lighter.

As the end of her cancer stick lit up in silent red agony, she tilted her head back and allowed a chaotic plume of smoke to rush out from her lips. Her little quitting escapade would have to go on hold for the holiday season. Allen would be coming over shortly—

There was a knock on the door. Speak of the devil.

Without thinking, Hitomi picked up the aerosol can of "Spring Breeze" off of her coffee table to cover the heavy smell of tobacco. However, after a moment's pause, she set it down and buried the cigarette onto a small dish she used as her ashtray. No need to justify to Allen. She was an adult.

Tightening the sash of her robe she walked into her bedroom in her bare feet.

"It's open, lock the door behind you," she called out, shutting the door to her room and changing into boxers and a t-shirt.

"I brought you a mix CD," came Allen's familiar even voice, sitting himself down on her couch.

"Thanks," Hitomi replied, coming into her living room to find Allen flipping channels and hugging one of her pillows. "Do you want anything to drink or eat?"

"No I'm fine," he replied, his clear blue eyes fixed onto the television.

"What are you watching?" Hitomi quirked an amused eyebrow, some odd foreign show with singing cockroach puppets making it's appearance.

"I don't know," he shrugged, past Hitomi's regular channels and getting into the channels with nothing but static on them. Five minutes passed by as Allen continued his channel flipping, and rocking back on her heels Hitomi put a hand on her hip.

"You're being boring."

"What?" he looked up, surprised. "How am I being boring? You're boring."

Mentally, she rolled her eyes.

"Have you been smoking?" he suddenly asked, his face screwing up as he sniffed the air.

"Mmhmm," she replied serenely, grabbing the very same lighter she had used before and lighting up one of the candles. "It's the holidays, rules don't count."

"Yes they do," he said sternly, no amusement in his eyes. "Ugh, I hate you."

Hitomi lit another candle.

"Oh, wow," she scoffed back sarcastically. "How will I ever live," she replied in a monotonous tone.

"What? Ugh," Allen didn't know what to say, throwing the pillow off his lap. "You're such a—God dammit Hitomi."

"What's been done is done," she shrugged, looking up at the ceiling briefly before sauntering into her bedroom. Her bed was a spacious double, not as luxurious as a queen but to her surprise, most of her friends still only had single beds. Stretching out onto the dark eight hundred thread count sheets, courtesy of a certain raven-haired man who would never be mentioned again, she buried her face into her pillow only to feel the bed shift under new weight.

"Allen, what the hell. Go away and go watch TV on the couch."

"But I'm tired, and your bed's more comfortable then the couch."

"Too bad, idiot," she cracked open one eye irritably, "My bed, get out. Besides, you seemed to be content with being rude and watching TV and ignoring me."

"I'll hardly take up any room," Allen protested, crawling over to the far side and squishing himself on the edge.

"My gods," Hitomi muttered to herself, wondering what the benefit of having him over was. Allen, not the complete idiot, sensed Hitomi's annoyance.

"Yeah whatever, I know when I'm not wanted," he drawled, swinging the bangs out of his eyes and shutting his blue gaze. The drowsy effect of being in her bed began to take hold of her, and throwing her arms over her head and rolling onto her stomach, she shut her eyes as well. But she couldn't fall asleep, not with the blonde in the bed. Concentrating on his breathing, she noted that it was loud and steady, indicating he was probably asleep.

Curiouser, and curiouser, however; wheneverthe breathswould break up, showing that he had probably woken up for a few moments, he inched closer and closer. After probably ten minutes of Hitomi tensing up and listing off reasons why Allen was annoying her more often recently, she felt his arm drape over hers. Her droopy eyelids snappedopen like rolling blinds on a crisp morning.

But she made no protest. Notyet, at least.

A few minutes passed, and he had his arm around her torso, occasionally burying his unshaven face into her smooth neck.

"Um, Allen, what are you doing?" Hitomi asked finally after a few more moments of him smushing himself against her.

"Snuggling," he replied dazedly, "Mmm… You smell nice."

"Don't I smell like cigarettes?" she replied flatly, and he made a noise of protest.

"You smell like flowers."

She wanted to slap herself on the forehead. How original. It was odd, though. Despite the wariness she felt when she met Allen, he had actually grown on her. He was charming, not too arrogant, and earthy. Attractive, and handsome in that offbeat rocker kind of way, he had an appeal that some girls just couldn't resist.

But that appeal was wearing away fast for Hitomi. He had shown unusual amounts of pride when she had quit cigarettes, and although it was sweet; telling someone how proud you were of them over and over began to sound belittling.

Also, he didn't shave, but couldn't grow a beard, so sporadic areas of stubble would appear on his face. He didn't smell nice, like the outdoors—

Never mind. The point was, he didn't smell nice. He _really_ needed to get some new clothes, and he needed a bloody haircut. Supposedly, he was a very good kisser according to gossip from the girls at the Fanel building, but how could someone kiss well when their breath smelt so dead?

"I hate men," Hitomi declared, as if to emphasize a certain point.

"I'm sorry, 'Tomi," Allen mumbled, leaning over and kissing her on the cheek.

"Um," she muttered a silent 'ew', "Thanks." She drummed her nails in a silent beat against her sheets before propping herself up on her elbows. "For the sake of the gods Allen, get off my bed."

"It's so big, I'm not in your way," Allen argued, settling deeper beneath the comforters. On her last thread, her eyes widened considerably when a hand was placed first around her waist before dropping down to her ass. He felt her tense up. "Sorry, that's your butt isn't it."

"Yes." Yes, she was feeling a little hostile.

"It's very nice," he offered, using his nonchalantly charming tone. "Do you work out?"

"No," a vice grip landed on his wrist. "I don't." The offending limb was thrown off. The shrill ring of the telephone interrupted the odd atmosphere, and sitting up and throwing her comforter onto the floor she ran and grabbed the phone.

"Hello?"

There was a silence.

"Hello?" repeated, sounding very impatient.

"Hi."

Cold gripped her senses and suddenly she was very still.

She didn't say anything; she didn't have to.

"You know it's the annual Christmas party tomorrow," Van spoke into the phone, as if that explained everything. Closing her eyes, and taking a deep breath, she coiled the phone cord around her wrist tightly.

"Yes. So?"

Taking a sip of his black coffee, Van rubbed his head. Dark eyes stared out through the windows into the depths of the city, contemplating his next choice words.

"Never mind."

"Just spit it out Van," Hitomi snapped exasperatedly. "You called, don't waste my time. We're not in high school," she added, referring to the fact that he was beating around the bush just because they were no longer dating.

"A lot of the guests suddenly can't make it, and that's bad publicity. So I'm rounding up as many people as I can to come."

"So, you can afford my absence," she replied mechanically. "One extra guest won't make a difference."

"Numbers add up Hitomi," Van shot into the phone, loosening his tie and taking another gulp of his coffee. "Come on."

"You're not very good at charming people, are you," she rolled her eyes. "Look, I hardly know anyone there, and I don't have a dress formal enough."

"You've never been one to be bad at socializing, and I'll get the company to buy you a dress." He was wise to not say that _he_ would buy her a dress.

"Even if it's Oscar de la Renta?" she asked, naming a high end designer that was ridiculously expensive but _gorgeous_.

"Yeah whatever, just don't buy a dress made of gold or something."

"Aw, then I guess I can't come," she replied sarcastically. "I've been working out all this time so I could actually support all that metal."

"Nice try," Van said, his tone void of humor, or even sarcasm. "It starts at seven, I'll have a company credit card delivered to you by tonight so you can pick up a dress tomorrow."

"Can I get my hair and nails done as well?" It wasn't really a question.

"You're such a pain in the ass," he snapped, "Fine. Bye."

She should have felt triumphant. But hearing his voice again only made things worse. And his last comment hadn't felt like it had been out of exasperation; it felt like he had actually meant it. She had unfortunately forgotten how good he was at hurting somebody's feelings—a lesson that she, out of all people, should have memorized well. However, there was one benefit at the hurt, stinging sensation he had just caused in her chest.

Hitomi Kanzaki was going to look bloody _fantastic_ tomorrow if it killed her.

"Who was that?" Allen ambled out of her bedroom, stretching his arm.

"Dad, he wants me to pick something up, guess you'll have to go," Hitomi lied pertly, picking up his shoes and opening the door.

"What?" Allen managed to say before she threw his shoes out onto the ancient carpeting of the hallway and pushed him out. Locking the door and dusting off her hands, she suddenly felt much better. The holidays had a lot more potential suddenly.

* * *

Smoking was like shopping. The longer you went without, the worse a girl got. But once you had that first puff, or in this case, that first whiff of pale chiffon, it was like pure ecstasy. 

Okay, so maybe smoking wasn't _exactly_ like shopping. What with the minor side notes of cancer and such.

But still. A girl could paint a picture.

* * *

**A/N: Haha, didn't take long to update, no time at all ;; But yeah, my writing is crappy now so it's all goooood. Erm, any rushiness regarding this chapter is due to the fact that if I didn't, I'd never write lol. I get very impatient. **

**Again, Nobody Said It Was Easy; STILL practically done, but those two trasitional bits I have to write are so hard. **

**If anyone wants to bounce ideas seriously, you can add me on MSN (check my profile). You COULD add me on AIM but that sort of annoys me, but if you think you're just that awesome, go ahead :P**

**...as for the sketchy ending, I was SUPPOSED to write a whole big Hitomi entering the store etc scene, but I was lazy, so I just left it at that so I could jump to her leaving or something in the next chapter. **

**REVIEW please :) smiles winningly It keeps that update gap from lasting 5 years instead of 1 XD guilty Sorry! Oh well, many other more talented writers around anywhoo to keep you going.**

**I adore you guys, to absolute tiny little bits:D**


	3. III Good to Go

Hold On Tightly, Let Go Lightly ( Chapter III )

She was the epitome of the smoldering temptress. Her eyes were lined with smudged kohl and deep, burnt bronze as her lips were natural but slightly swollen; as if she had just been kissing. Her hair was silky and dared you to run your fingers through it, her dress a light cobalt blue with alluring folds and creases.

_A long time ago, we used to be friends  
But I haven't thought of you lately at all_

But she didn't know that. As she stared at the other cookie cutter office it-girls, the frumpy fifty-something year olds, and the girls that were just too loud and too obnoxious, no man came over to talk to her by the bar. Most of them were with dates that could kill if you looked the wrong way, and the other small group assumed she would reject them. Yes, apparently there was such a thing as being too good looking. It would only be until they had a few more drinks that the male idiots would swagger over and try to win over her affections, but unbeknownst to Hitomi and those male idiots, she would be long gone by then. Apparently, her destiny was not to be sit at the bar all night and sulk bitterly.

_If ever again, a greeting I send to you,  
Short and sweet to the soul is all I intend._

Nursing a thin flute of champagne—no, not an apple martini, her thoughts wandered around several things she did not want to be thinking about. Van was, of course, painfully handsome. A group of broad shouldered boulders laughed around him, looking at the raven haired business man with hidden envy and admiration. A large wine glass hung casually between his calloused fingertips as he gestured the drink forward to emphasize whatever point he was making. Light, tinkling laughter cut through the low baritones of his colleagues as Sasha, dressed in a black plunging dress leaned on his shoulder.

_Come on now, honey,  
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah.  
Just remember me when you're good to go_

"Look! Mistletoe," she called out, raising her eyebrows suggestively at Van. Verdant green eyes looked over at the arrogant businessman, sure he would just give her a peck. He could be very affectionate in public but he tended to be higher strung at business events. To her dismay, however, he adjusted Sasha's red velvet Santa Clause hat before arching her back into a deep kiss. Violently, Hitomi swung in the opposite direction on her bar stool so she wouldn't have to continue looking at the repulsive sight. The whistles of Van's colleagues carried over the cooing and awing of the other females, to Hitomi's misfortune.

"Bourbon, on the rocks."

_Come on now, sugar,  
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah.  
Just remember me when..._

The voice seemed to have a scratchy, amused lilt to it, and glancing up Hitomi noticed a man with silvery gray hair. But his features were much too young and articulate to belong to such a head of locks, and as she continued to stare the dark, auburn colored eyes flickered over to her.

"Cigarette?" he offered, flipping over a slim silver case to reveal a neat row of white cylinders stamped with the logo of her favorite company.

"I'm supposed to be quitting," she remarked dryly as she withdrew one and took the light he offered.

"Well, I'm supposed to be enjoying myself, but here we are," he replied, offering her a deadpan expression. "How do you know the infamous Fanel?"

"Van?"

_Now everybody needs some time,  
And everybody know  
The rest of it's fine  
And everybody knows that._

"Yes, Folken would just be famous. While I hardly get along with the man, he's civil, and I'm civil to him. Thus he is only famous. Van is just an arrogant asshole so I've decided to bestow him with the much too flattering title of infamous."

"Ahh… Well I'm part of his last minute guest list, since a lot of his guests bailed out on him. I'm the ex-girlfriend," she raised a hand.

"I'm part of the same club," Dilandau laughed, taking a large gulp of his drink. "Folken actually had me on the original list, but since Folken bailed out, Van decided to cross me off. It was only when other guests had to cross themselves off that he charmed me back." He noted Hitomi's disapproving look. "It's free alcohol and food, lady."

Hitomi smiled despite herself.

"I could have guessed you were the ex-girlfriend though," Dilandau remarked casually, slouching a bit more on his stool.

"Why?" Hitomi asked, arching an eyebrow. "Because I turned around quickly right as soon as they kissed?" It was almost a challenge.

"Right after that little show stopping kiss he shared with his current plaything, he looked straight at you," Dilandau replied, as if ignoring her comment.

Hitomi couldn't move for a second.

"No. He didn't."

"Yes, he did," Dilandau's lips curled, his eyes glinting. Whipping her head around, Hitomi glanced over at Van, his right hand curled around that infernal wine glass, the other one resting on Sasha's neat little hips.

"You probably saw wrong," she sighed, taking a quiet sip of her champagne. It was sharp, cold, but sweet; the way she liked it. Perhaps the way she liked Van. Shaking her head to herself, she glanced over at Dilandau. "Apparently, they're going to have party games later."

"Yes, I'm very excited," Dilandau glanced at the ceiling, his expression telling all. Hitomi swung a curtain of hair over her shoulder, smirking at him while kicking his shin gently. "Don't turn around," Dilandau suddenly said. She didn't.

"Why?" she frowned, keeping her shoulders still.

"Van's staring at you and if he doesn't look away right now Sasha's going to notice, and kill him later."

"Get out."

"Not until I get to participate in all those fun party games," he replied monotonously. "If it helps, you also get bonus points because you're talking to me, and he hates me," he cocked his head wryly.

"Did I mention that I adore you?" Hitomi asked, her green eyes lighting up. Sighing loudly, she took a deeper swig of the light bubbly liquid before stretching her arms. Then, she glanced at Dilandau again. "How do you know that Van and I aren't on good terms?" she asked, realizing that Dilandau had not approached his comments in the way one would have if the two were on civil terms.

"Gossip gets around." Hitomi wanted to demand what he meant but had an unfortunate feeling that he was going to share no more.

_We used to be friends a long time ago.  
We used to be friends, hey hey..._

* * *

**_AN: _I'm bad, I know ;; This is a pretty short chapter too, but I just felt bad about now posting anything. Things have been busy lately, I'm doing horribly in school ;; And not**

**Person A: OMG, I got a 79 That's SO bad.**

**More like a**

**Me: OMG, I got a 52, YES!**

**So yeah, trying to pick that up. My 97 done chapter of Nobody Said It Was Easy was WIPED OUT 28973981723411(&#$( because my mother decided to install a random program which came with a shiny virus. **

**...SOMEONE ADD ME ON MSNNNN whines I need motivation to write. Except nice people only who aren't obscenely obnoxious :)**


	4. IV Christmas

Hold On Tightly, Let Go Lightly (Chapter IV)

Munching on a spicy phyllo wrapped hors d'oeuvre, the chili peppers in the snack made Hitomi's lips look bitten and swollen. Wonderfully so, although Van would never admit to even noticing her lips in the first place.

"This kind of sucks," Dilandau squinted at the combination of cheese and seasonings, his face twisting up as he glanced around before chucking the rest of his hors d'oeuvre behind the bar.

"I like it," she shrugged nonchalantly, sliding the pad of her thumb across her mouth to finish off the crumbs. Crossing her legs idly, she arched her back to a rather alarmingly sharp degree before stretching her arms over her head. "Well, I'm off to the bathroom," she announced, and Dilandau quirked his head, in the middle of taking a sip of his drink. Setting the tumbler down with a faint thud, his lips quirked up.

"I'll alert the media," he nodded seriously, "Do you prefer print or electronic?"

"Print," she stuck out her tongue. "Oh, and if you can, make the paper scented." Her smile was dazzling.

"Okay, check next week's Vogue and you'll find a charmingly witty article about it," Dilandau drawled before the brunette sashayed away.

The men in the room discreetly watched her as she passed the potted orchids. Sure, she wasn't a walking sex pot. She didn't have huge breasts and washboard abs, nor did she have the willowy body of a runway model. But her breasts were big enough, her legs were healthy because of her high school track team days, and her short haircut let you see those gorgeous green eyes. Her pouty, full lips screamed sex, and yet when she smiled, they promised an enrapturing conversation. She was the hardest woman to get in that room, and perhaps the most worthwhile.

"Dilandau." A dark voice spoke.

"Van," the red eyed man grinned slowly, not glancing up from his drink. "She's not in the bathroom yet, so you better wait a few seconds before making a scene."

"You--"

"I hope you're not going to tell me to leave her alone, Van. Because first of all, that's terribly cliché. Second of all, it only makes me want to talk to her more," Dilandau replied sweetly.

"That would also mean that I care about her," Van replied blandly. "I only suggest that you take care of her."

"Such an enigma, you are. You don't care about her, yet you want me to take care of her. Perplexing, isn't it, Van?" Dilandau's eyes grew large for a brief second in a menacing manner, a few blades of silver hair falling into them as he cocked his head brightly.

The raven haired man looked homicidal, the albino's taunting expression not helping at all.

"Fine. Screw her and leave her, like I did then," he replied cruelly before turning and heading back to his group. It was moments like this that really reminded people why Van Fanel was known as a cutting edge business man. Aggression, ambition, and determination clung to him like cigarette smoke.

There are few men in the world that can actually handle and use those three attributes well, but Van was their master.

"Why did you dump her anyways, Fanel?" Dilandau pulled out a cigarette, the white stick hanging limply from his dry lips. It was admirable yet strange, no matter where the albino was, he approached every situation with incorrigible curiosity. "You couldn't have just wanted her for sex, she doesn't look that easy."

Lounge music began to fill the room, replacing the classical, and the creatures of the lowly lit room began to stalk their prey. The most beautiful one with verdant eyes returned to the bar, surprised to find her new friend talking to her ex-boyfriend.

"Um," she looked down, averting her eyes as she toyed with the ring on her pinky finger.

"Hitomi, I believe you've met Van," Dilandau smiled easily, causing Hitomi to resent him slightly. He _knew_ she didn't want to speak to Van, why was he putting them in this awkward position?

"I have," Van replied stiffly, slowly lifting his gaze to check where Sasha was.

"Nice music," the albino took a demure sip of his bourbon. "You guys should dance."

Instantly, Hitomi's face pulled up and she shook her head.

"I'm really not in the mood."

Van echoed her sentence, adding the word 'either' at the end.

"Suit yourselves," Dilandau shrugged, taking a mischievous sip of his drink. "Suit yourselves."

The empty look passed between Van and Hitomi was a little heartbreaking.

The Christmas Eve party passed in a frenzy of rumbling laughs, wet mistletoe kisses, and the occasional coat check rendezvous. Overall, the night wasn't that bad. Hitomi had danced with Dilandau twice, and one of Van's co-workers three times. She was slightly buzzed from all the champagne she had consumed, and her happy high was beginning to crash. As everybody knows, when you drink a bit, you're tempted to be with somebody.

"Watch where you're going."

"Sorry," Hitomi began, glancing up as she bumped into somebody on her way to the coat check. Her breath then caught in her throat. "Van."

"Oh," his hard, arrogant gaze disappeared for a moment. He looked off guard and genuinely surprised. "Don't worry about it." Walking into the coat check area, he grabbed his thick black pea coat and slid his arms into it while Hitomi followed hesitantly to pick up her own coat.

"Where's Sasha?" Hitomi couldn't help but ask. Surely Sasha would have picked up her own coat if she was leaving with Van.

"She drank too much. I sent her home in a taxi."

"Oh." With green eyes, she watched Van efficiently button his jacket. His manner was so blank and cold; it was like talking to a wall. He seemed invincible and not phased by her presence. Then again, such a trait made him a very good business man. Outside, he was the iron man. Inside, however, Van really wanted a stiff drink.

"Do you want a ride home?" he asked casually as she swung a wool scarf around her slender neck.

"Uh…" she replied hesitantly, trying to sound unsure and doubtful. The truth was she desperately wanted a ride home with him. Despite the number of times she had vented to her friends about him, and despite the number of times she told herself that she was over him, she wasn't. Part of her still believed in the caring Van she had known while they were still dating.

"I called for two drivers to come tonight; but my friend found another way home with some woman," he explained, his cinnamon colored eyes hardening into an intimidating garnet. "It's Christmas; I'd hate for the guy to have come here for no reason."

"If it's not too much trouble…"

"Whatever. The car will be waiting at the taxi stand," he tugged on his gloves with two brisk tugs before striding past her, out of the coat check. Shutting her eyes, she leaned her against the wall when he left the room. She felt so pathetic and stepped over, and resisting the urge to curl up into a ball on the floor, Hitomi strode out with as much confidence as she could muster. She could hear the laughter from the leftover people at the office party quiet down as she pushed through the outside doors into the city night. Snow dusted the sidewalk, and walking towards the taxi stand she opened the only Fanel car she saw.

"Van?" Hitomi's eyes widened. The young businessman was sitting in the back with his arms crossed arrogantly as the driver was just starting the car.

"What?" he snapped. "Your car will arrive in a minute," he replied, realizing her motive as she glanced at the lack of any other cars at the stand.

"Actually sir, Sasha called earlier to say that another driver would not be needed after all," the driver interrupted from the front. Van looked furious.

"She WHAT?"

"She made the call, sir."

"And nobody checked it through me?"

"It was checked through Folken, sir," the driver replied uneasily, looking at Van through the rearview mirror.

"I'll just take a taxi," Hitomi said, feeling the tension grow in the car.

"Are you sure?" Van replied, and Hitomi felt her heart sink. She had hoped that he would offer to drive her anyways. But that was only wishful thinking.

"Yeah."

Sometimes, things aren't a fairytale like you want them to be.

**AN: Yeah the ending's a bit rushed… And yeah, I haven't updated in like a year uu I've just been spending most of my time at this Harry Potter RPG and yes… I really do want to finish this! I think rewatching Escaflowne would probably help n.n Hope you enjoy! **


	5. V All The Right Things

**AN: to encourage more updates from myself, i'm gonna post short moment chapter thingies instead of full chapters. **

For the past week, Hitomi had been having anxiety filled dreams. She was always cheating on Allen. They weren't lust filled dreams, weren't erotic ones at all. She was just... having the happy times with the men of her past. Perhaps that wasn't so wrong, perhaps it wasn't cheating, but with Allen she knew he would see it that way, and she knew herself that it wasn't completely innocent.

No, they weren't always about Van. The ones that did feature the man who meant... who meant NOTHING to her, nothing at all, were the most tormented. She had the courage to ask him point blank why he had changed. Why he had become what he had become. So cold. He never had an answer.

According to her books about dreams, they said that cheating on your significant other meant that you were compromising yourself. And perhaps she was. But how? Allen had a good solid job, he was very handsome, funny, thoughtful, intelligent (at least book wise). But he just didn't understand her.

Awake in bed, a pair of boxers riding up her waist, Hitomi tugged them down to her hips and got out of bed. Turning on her laptop, she shuffled over to her kitchen and shook a carton of orange juice violently before chugging. Pulp got stuck in between her teeth, and running her tongue along the flat bones she looked at some photobooth pictures Allen and her had taken. She looked happy, made the obligatory goofy faces. It was no melodramatic capture, where she looked like a distant woman. They looked very much in love. How long had they been even dating? Since forever? It seemed so, at least.

For the month after Christmas, after the day Van had left her to find a taxi on one of the busiest nights of the year, Allen had been incredibly supportive. Her white knight. And she had found a new appreciation in him, had missed him, although sometimes she felt like he held onto her tighter than she could ever hold onto him. But there was a real spark for the first time, in stead of her just cruelly humoring him. She held his hands in public with an easy breath, and she wasn't distracted during their kisses anymore, but then after a month, as February rolled by, it just wasn't enough.

Sitting down at her laptop after putting her poor excuse for a breakfast away, she noticed that Van was online. Away. Without thinking, she clicked on his name and typed hello. Not a hey, but hello. She waited. No response. But his status wasn't idle. Smiling bitterly at the screen, she stood up and got ready to shower. Allen would be over soon. To be honest, he had been inviting himself over more and more lately, and she didn't have the heart to say no. He had asked if it was too much, but she felt so bad for not being as happy with him as she should be, so she told him he was being ridiculous.

He was everything she wanted, but it just wasn't...

Her faucets creaked as the shower came on, and she gasped as the hot water hit her as a memory of Van coming up behind her and placing his hands on her rib cage flashed through her mind.

Was she just hung up over Van? A lovesick, pathetic woman who just couldn't let go of the past?

But he was what she needed. She remembered curling up in the cool lines of his flat, unbuttoning those crisp shirts of his, watching him look down at her with a beautiful skyline behind him.

_"Maybe you just want what you can't have," Yukari put as gently as she could._

_"But I was happy when I was with him."_

_"But he didn't devote himself to you like Allen does."_

Yukari was wrong, though. Van loved her. But the memory of him telling her otherwise grabbed at her in cold uncertainty.

Scrubbing down her body as quickly as possible, Hitomi dried herself off before checking her computer. Van was offline. Great. Blow drying her hair, she just only barely heard someone knock at the door.

"Coming," she called, opening it with a flash of irritation when they knocked again just as she was nearing the door. "Ever learn patience?" she mumbled to herself, jerking the door open.

"Van."


	6. VI This Moment Seems So Long

_Sasha was sitting on a bench, her head in her hands. She was beautiful, resourceful, and intelligent although he was aware of her ruthlessness. _

_"I'm not beautiful," her lips curled downwards despite their tug of effort to stay up. "Every guy just wants to screw me and then just... do I get flowers the next day? A -call-?" her hands were trembling. _

_"You are beautiful," Van assured her, sitting beside her as she refused to look at him. He actually felt incredibly sorry for this sad girl. And before he knew it, he was leaning over and wrapping his arms around her tiny form._

_"Will you date me and only me, then?" she asked, and after a bit of talking they tentatively agreed to be a serious couple. _

_Fast forward. He was in a crowd, at some mall or school. Something. He's running, he's confused, Van doesn't know what to do. He sees a flash of green eyes. Pretends not to see her, he's too proud. But when he hears that light voice call out his name, his heart is rushed with relief and he slows down slightly. Makes eye contact. Damn. Those eyes always get him. He holds out his hand for her to grab and keeps running. _

_They make it to the food court and he stops. _

_"I'm thinking of being serious with Sasha, Hitomi." He watches for her reaction, but before she can even form an expression he hears Sasha's voice._

_"So I guess it's all over then," he looks away from those killer greens and at a frail, pretty woman. "I thought we were going to be exclusive."_

_"Sasha, we are, I was just talking to her--" he steps forward but doesn't let go of Hitomi's hand as Sasha begins to walk away. "I would NEVER see her in that way," his heart feels strange as he lies, and although the execution is pretty good Sasha keeps walking. "You obviously have never had a close friend if you think this is... CHEATING, or something!" She doesn't give him another second but Van doesn't seem to care. He turns to Hitomi and wants to tell her that he didn't mean what he said before. Instead, he asks her, "how do you know if you love someone and it's not just out of boredom?"_

_She shrugs, and adjusts her fingers between his. _

_"Do you like somebody right now?" He asks next. She nods, and they share an intense gaze that curtains the intimacy worthy of a first kiss over them. They know. They get it. It means something when you clasp somebody's hand and your palms sweat. _

Van bolted up and wiped the strands of hair sticking on his forehead off. His eyes were wide and alert, and practically tossing himself out of bed he turned on his laptop before splashing Antarctic water over his face. A little beep sounded across the quiet, cool flat, and he wondered who was messaging him already.

Grabbing a towel to dry his face off, he walked back to his computer and suddenly felt like vomiting.

**hitomi says:**

hello

Without thinking, he tossed on some clothes and drove as quickly as possible to her flat. Hopefully he'd run enough red lights before he could think of some lie for visiting her instead of standing there in awkward, intense silence. Needed awkward, intense silence.

-------------------------------------

**AN: Short moments are definitely more enjoyable for me and easier to update:) Thanks for the reviews guys, it really encourages me and some of them are really thoughtful. If I have time next chapter I'll try to do review responses!**


	7. VII Better

He was shorter than Allen. She hadn't realized that before. And he looked very tired.

"What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk." The banal phrase was preluded by a mix of a drawling noise and an 'uh.'

"Is something wrong?" Bang, bang, bang. The conversation was unfolding itself so typically and cleanly, but the next part would require some thought now.

"No." Defensive answer, good move Van. He was giving her one of those intense looks he used to give a long time ago, where he looked like it hurt a little each time he blinked, his lips slightly parted, and his body language was unsurprisingly aggressive. _I had a dream about you._ Like he'd tell that to her right off the bat. She'd hold her head to her hand and mutter "psychopath talking." "I just needed to see you."

"At your convenience? I have a guest coming over." And suddenly she was no longer better than Allen, and it wasn't that Allen wasn't enough. Now it was that she wasn't good enough for Van, and she wished she was a few pounds lighter, and a little better in bed, a little smarter, a little richer, a little less sarcastic and a little more... his? No. A little more something else.

"Hitomi, I drove all the way over here just to see you," Van spat out each word, gesturing his hands in strong arcs. "You could be a little nicer, for crying out..."

"Without calling to tell me!" There it was. She wanted to be a little less harsh. So she tried to be. "Do you want to sit down?"

Van lifted his calloused hands behind his head and glanced at the ceiling, down the hall, and then back at Hitomi as if an audience would be coming soon, which there technically was: Allen. But Van was expecting judgement of sorts, for wronging her. The reasons he had done so were overall irrelevant and superficial, and even though he wished he had broken her heart for some big life saving reason it was really just because of... well. Not the point.

Leaning one hockey, tennis, weight and swimming trained arm against the door frame, he fisted that hand before letting out a heavy sigh. He had to keep appearances up.

"You know, there is something I do miss about you." As if he didn't miss other things. "I wish we could talk like we used to before. Stupid, huh?"

She frowned at him, lips pushed out and she tilted her head. Silence, for once. He continued, and smiled a little bitterly.

"Y'know, I probably never told you that you were good at that when were together. Talking. A lot of people are just plain stupid." Pause. "Never you, Hitomi. You always knew everything," he nodded to himself before looking away from her. "But hey, don't get me wrong. Sasha's great, she gives me my space now. I know it's out of my place to ask you but I just wanted to talk again." Staring at her hand, he wanted to grab it and see if his palm would sweat. He wanted to say things from his dream and see if they would hold true in real life. He also wanted to make it clear that he didn't have feelings for her to her face but with morning's breath still fresh in the air, even he couldn't pull that stunt. He did his darkest work at night. Heartbreak in the morning was for the truly heartless.

"Hey, I'm sorry for being an ass lately. Just because we broke up didn't mean that I had to treat you that way." The apology was gruff and didn't touch Hitomi's heart, but it eased a knot in her chest that had been there ever since that fateful night he had come home to say goodbye to her. The sunlight from a window behind her gave her skin a porcelain glow while footsteps from the apartment above tread apart the soft intimacy of the strange, morning moment.

"Do you want to drive somewhere and talk, Van?" she finally asked. Her breathing was very controlled and she was very careful not to move, but her body was shuddering slightly. Van noticed, and grabbed the heel of her hand.

"Are you feeling alright?" he took a step closer to her and she could smell his cologne. He could smell her perfume, it wasn't the one she used to wear. His eyes didn't flinch and his concerned expression turned into a passive one. "Maybe some fresh air will do you good." Hitomi nodded, and smiling in a forced way that they both pretended was real, she went to get her bag and coat while Van rubbed his dry fingers that had touched the skin of her hand.

**A/N: Yes, the last chapter was a dream, a very random dream with random scenes but I think we all know that dreams are rarely like movies that play out nicely. Don't get too used to soft Van though, this is just a momentary kind of thing! Sorry for the late update but to keep this story in the tone that I want it to be in their dynamics will be very complicated in the future. **


	8. VIII Bagel

"So is everything alright?" Hitomi asked after a few moments of silence, the sun reflecting off of the car windows. Angry Van she knew how to deal with, but this strange, spaced out Van had her completely thrown off guard. She didn't know how to protect herself against this Van with his careless hair and clear face. He always looked so focused whenever she was with him, so intense, but today he looked... dreamy.

"Hmm?" he kept his eyes on the road momentarily before looking over at her. "Oh, yeah." He pulled a rolling stop and her small frame lurched forward slightly before he continued driving. "Just... I've been thinking some things over. Must be that herbal tea Sasha's making me drink." He pulled a little face, as if he and Hitomi were in on a joke about Sasha and her crazy habits, and Hitomi smiled hesitantly before toying with her hands. She wished she looked stunning right now, but her hair was clumpy and her face had patches of oil from not moisturizing properly that day. It was like a law of nature: no one ever sees you when you look your best but the day you look like crap...

Slowing down to a drive-thru menu, Van glanced at the bagel choices before stepping on the gas and rolling up to the order window.

"A bagel with cream cheese, right?" Van asked quickly, his smile too easy as he looked at Hitomi. She nodded and he ordered for himself while she gripped her fingers tightly momentarily, expecting to wake up. This was like the Van she had been in love with. The one who had been acting the entire time. He was all storm and intimidation in his power suits as he'd stride down the rows of cubicle, but alone with some take-out in his office, he was all rolled up sleeves and cute, funny faces with the cleverest little dry quips while she laughed, perched on his desk.

The wax paper bags crinkled as they were handed to Van from the pick up window, and peeking in to find his peanut butter bagel, he handed Hitomi her cream cheese before finding a parking spot for them to eat in. The car lurched to a stop, and the sun filtered through the treetops onto their faces. Hitomi had so many questions about his sudden visit, why today, what was he thinking? But she didn't want to bring back hostile, scary and cruel Van, and remained timidly silent.

"Here, let me pay for my bagel," she finally said after taking a small bite of her breakfast, and Van looked incredibly displeased.

"Hitomi... Just keep your money." It was then he leaned back his seat a little and stared at the sun roof of his car. "I haven't really been managing myself very well, lately. For a while, I mean. I let Folken get to me, and the company... I mean I was so close to getting everything and I still am but I've been waiting, and waiting for so long that I'm just sick of waiting, you know? And I just got into this zone where I just became selfish and thought throwing myself into work would get me something." He looked down at the steering wheel, unable to look at her. "I can't pretend that I had some noble reason for doing what I did to you. It wasn't because you'd die or something if I kept seeing you. I just..."

"You don't have to do this, Van." Hitomi was not strong enough for this and the suddenness practically knocked her over. She didn't have enough time to prepare for this conversation, and she felt her heart hurting. Literally, her chest physically hurt. All that internalized pain and all that lack of closure had created wounds that she had bandaged up for quite some time. "Don't... don't," she was shaking her head and smiling painfully to herself. Here he was. Sincere, earnest and boyish Van instead of the cold tyrant she had briefly encountered over the past months. Briefly encountered was an overstatement. Had he had a near death experience or something to summon this kind of confession?

"I know this is weird for you to hear, but I need you to hear it," his voice was all low and scratchy but not too deep. It was the voice that used to bring a bounce to her step. "Just once."

"What are you doing?" Cucumber green eyes finally snapped into focus enough to ask the blunt question, and Van actually stopped, tilted his head, as if to say, 'what do you think I'm doing?' The silence grew thick for a moment, and she felt bad about hurting his feelings, however she had just done so. Why she cared about hurting his feelings was beyond her.

"I ended things before because of many petty reasons. Fear, selfishness..." he gulped and suddenly no longer wanted his bagel. Hitomi watched him and felt like he could ruin the rest of her life. Yes, he was shorter than Allen, and had messier hair, and his looks weren't as traditional and model like... but the way his eyes could be so laid back and yet so extreme on the other hand, and the way his voice draped across her shoulders like a blanket, and the way he filled out his office shirts so well was simply devastating. For one last time, she wanted to rest in his arms and talk about everything and anything while the sun set outside of his sleek, cool flat. But, now older and wiser, Hitomi knew not to indulge in that kind of thing.

"What do you expect me to say?" she asked finally, looking ill. He looked away and shrugged slightly, his eyes looking a little shiny as he stared away at nothing in particular. "Van, I can't just go back to being friends with you. I can't just be here when you decide that you miss my talks. I'm sorry if you misunderstood me hanging out with you right now as... forgiveness." Van blinked a few times quickly and didn't say anything, trying to look nonchalant. "I'm sorry if you thought things were okay." She paused, feeling guilty. "I really wish we could be friends, but Van the way you treated me, I mean with time--"

"Don't," it was his turn to shake his head, and he smiled a little bitterly. "Don't try and... I mean, at least we have this bagel, right?" Hitomi tried to think of a feeble joke to make, but before she could Van excused himself and left the car. She started a little as the door slammed, and playing with her bagel bag she looked like a frightened rabbit.


	9. IX Cars

She felt dizzy, so she bit into the dense bagel and chewed thoughtfully. Not enough cream cheese. Oh well, she was supposed to be watching what she ate anyways. The hedging surrounding the parking lot of the bagel shop was glowing intensely at the edges while the sun was rising in the sky. He was standing there, facing away from her, no cigarette or anything. He balled up the bag that held his bagel after finishing the last peanut butter smeared piece and threw it into the trash can behind his back easily. Her heart fluttered a bit. She had forgotten that he was a natural athlete.

_I am watching you quietly._

The air was a little cool. It was actually turning out to be a lovely day, but the parking lot seemed to be trapped in some sort of pocket of cold air. With no food to distract herself with, Hitomi kept glancing at Van, but then away out of fear that he would catch her eye. A nervous line creased her forehead, and crossing her arms and hunching her back a little she flickered her eyes every which way as he made his way back to the car. He slid into the driver's seat easily, perhaps a little too quickly, before turning to face her and leaning a little too close. But before he could do, or say anything, Hitomi spoke up.

"You have no idea how much I wish you had said those things months earlier--"

His lips paused mid-motion, mid-word, and his eyes twitched a little as he back away a bare degree. She wondered why he looked so disappointed in her, and why she felt like she was making him grow up faster than he had to. It was strange, he was an adult, but she had the unmistakable feeling of doing something wrong at a crucial moment. Relaxing his posture slightly, Van turned his face to face the windshield. Broad shoulders shrugged and he had a strained little smile on.

"Stop." His voice was low and deliciously crackled from not talking for a while and from not having anything to drink. Uncharacteristically soft and quiet, as well. The effect of one single word acted as punctuation for the depressing sadness in the car, and Hitomi felt ill as she noticed a faint shine in his eyes. "I should probably drive you back home," he said, turning the keys in the ignition and doing up his seat belt. Hitomi remained silent and looked out the passenger window uncomfortably. Without glancing at him, she turned on the radio, and a pretty modern folk song came on. His eyes had only pulled away from the road briefly to watch her delicate hands fiddle with the radio nob before staring back at the road as if he had never noticed her movement.

They arrived outside of her building, and she fumbled to find her keys before dropping them by Van's feet accidentally.

"Oh--" she said, both of them reaching down to grab the keys at the same time. He got them first, and looking up with clear dark eyes, his lips parted as her hand rested half on top of his. For half a second they both didn't move, and then she shifted her fingers and curled her fingers around his until her fingertips touched the top of his palm. Squeezing his hand ever so slightly, she slid the keys out of his hand.

"Bye, Van," she said. Their encounter was like a still in time. So little and yet so much had happened over a brief breakfast, and she felt like a never ending chapter of her life was trapping her. He nodded stoically, but as her fingers were just about to leave his hand, he curled his fingers while looking away around the tops of hers before letting go.

"Hitomi, where have you been?"

Van slid his eyes to where the voice was coming from, and Hitomi whirled around in a guilty way.

"How long have you been waiting, Allen? I'm sorry," she apologized, making erratic gestures, and hearing a car door slam she looked behind her only to see Van drive away, eyes resolutely ahead of him.

**AN: I know this story has taken a more choppy tone, and its a lot more abstract, but because I'm trying to make this reflect how real life is, I wanted to leave a lot of space for people's own interpretations instead of dictating how everything played out. Plus, again, I'm more inclined to update. :) I hope you enjoy! And as for the reader who asked, yes, it was crunchy peanut butter that Van ate. :) **


	10. X Huh

It would have been easier if Allen had yelled at her for being with Van. There would have been no reason for him to be angry, logically, which would make it so much... simpler. But Allen wasn't some temperamental asshole, driven mad with jealousy. The girlfriend had needed to help a friend. The nice, understanding boyfriend forgave her. He just nodded, when Hitomi had explained Van's sudden personal problem. Allen didn't even press on what the problem had been, only reminded her that she could have called him. But the look in his eyes was what made sure that it wasn't a clean getaway. It was an expression that was hard to identify, and thus hard to confront. Just worry, and feigned ease filled those blue eyes of his. Served with a heavy side of guilt trip. She had seen that face before, whenever she had interactions with other men. Sometimes, even other people. But she had tried asking him about it before, if he was okay, and he always said he was.

A few weeks passed after breakfast with Van. Maybe two. To Hitomi, it felt like a year. Understandable, if you stared at someone's online instant messaging id for hours during the night and never actually talked to them. Sometimes, on brave nights, she'd type a hey, but delete it before pressing "enter." She'd try to type a wittier line, or mention some news, or try to think of a favour she just HAD to ask him. But the text seemed so weak and stupid against the glaring screen, and deleting all the words, all the words unsaid, she'd keep waiting and staring.

Dilandau had forwarded her the pictures from the Christmas party. The one that was ages ago. She didn't study herself, though. Not even Van. She looked over at Sasha, instead. Perfect eyebrows. Good face structure, well groomed, excellent posture, gracious smile. Looking down at her own fingernails, Hitomi sighed at her square filed nails, painted with Diamond Hard clear nail polish. Diamond Hard, indeed. Her thumbnail was already breaking. And on top of that, her hair was very dirty. But her bathroom was dirty, and she'd rather be dirty herself than to shower in a grungy bathroom.

That's just the kind of girl Hitomi was. Strange. And usually late. She liked to eat odd things in the morning, things that were usually meant for dinner, but she had the best intentions usually, and looked beautiful standing in the rain. Maybe it was her eyes.

Tapping her fingertips on her keyboard, but not pressing down, she contemplated googling Sasha's name when she heard a sickening creak. The front door. The lights in her apartment were dim, and she felt her hands go cold. Not moving a muscle, her ears pricked as heavy footsteps violated her private space. Most people might have run out to see who it was. Or would have gone for the closest phone, or hid. But Hitomi, as shy as she could be sometimes, remained still like an animal hoping to blend in with her surroundings. Slowly sliding out of her chair, she didn't know where she was going, but she didn't want to be sitting down for whoever was there.

"Hello?" The word unintentionally came out as a bark from dry lips, and as footsteps sounded in the very room she was in half a second later, she screamed and grabbed for something-- crap, only air. "Hitomi?" The same barking voice. "Hitomi?!"

Van. It was VAN. That idiot!!!!

"You--" she trailed off before grabbing for her chair. "You scared the shit out of me!"

"I'm sorry," he said, reaching for her immediately. She looked like she might start crying. And he felt so sorry for scaring her. For hurting her. Normally, with someone else, he'd demand why they were so abnormal and jumpy. But he knew. Ever since he had dumped her, Hitomi wasn't as resilient like she normally was. She was fragile now. He never addressed it, but he knew it deep down. Maybe deep deep down he knew she was hung up on him, even though she wouldn't admit it to herself. What else did Van know, even deeper? Well, that part was just blocked out completely.

The clock ticked loudly to mark the hour, far away in the kitchen. The cool air grew a little warmer, and both Van and Hitomi's eyes seemed out of focus. Her house smelled like gardenias. And although it didn't feel very safe to Hitomi, it felt safe to Van. Isolated, away from the cut throat world out there. Even kings needed a break, and this raven haired royal was finding sanctuary from the world he ruled over. Mastered. Embodied. Suddenly, without making actual eye contact, but still looking at her, Van Fanel kissed Hitomi Kanzaki on the mouth.

Her unfocused eyes drifted shut. And for a few more unfocused hours with their unfocused eyes, they went to Hitomi's modest bed and took their time.

The mistakes bound to come shrieked at their toes, and for a moment, Hitomi thought about how much this would... weaken her position. Hurt her pride. Sad girl hung up over boy for ages, and ends up with him again. Chances of being hurt again, high. But the way his face looked, even with his eyes shut, the way he handled her and kissed her... it was almost apologetic. Very serious. Slow... and...

Cathartic.


End file.
